Constructive wallowing

Introduction: The Wonderful World of Wallowing

What Would You Do If You Lost Everything?

Natasha

Dan

What If You Have Everything and Still Aren't Happy?

Be Where You Are

What Does Wallowing Look Like?

How to Use This Book

Summary

Part I. Dip Your Toe in the Water

Chapter 1. Wallowing Is Mostly Allowing

How You Cope with Anything Is How You Cope with Everything

Quiz

Scoring

You Can't Wallow Unless You ALLOW

On Becoming Whole

The Benefits of Wallowing

The Escalation Cycle

Figure 1. The Escalation Cycle

Figure 2. The Constructive Wallowing Cycle

Finding Time to Wallow

Summary

Chapter 2. The Accidental Wallower: My Story

Getting Over a Happy Childhood

Lessons from the School of Hard Knocks

Ditch That Backlog!

Summary

Chapter 3. Emotions: What You Don't Know Can Hurt You

Feelings vs. Emotions

"Negative" Emotions

Every Feeling Has Value

Having Feelings in Public

Wallowing Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry

Table 1. Some Ways to Deal with Feelings

Name That Feeling!

Feelings vs. Thoughts

The Substitution Test

Table 2. Some Feeling Words

Exercise

Feelings vs. Behavior

Good People Have Bad Feelings Too

How Hurting Heals

The Life Cycle of a Feeling

How to Let Painful Feelings Go

You Can't Choose Your Feelings

Summary

Part II. Dive In

Chapter 4. 11 Good Reasons to Wallow

Reason #1. You have no choice

Reason #2. It may be good for your health

Reason #3. Get your energy back

Reason #4. If you can't feel bad, you won't feel good

If You're Not Wallowing, You're Not Living

Reason #5. You're never more alone than when you abandon yourself

Reason #6. What we don't acknowledge, controls us

Reason #7. You'll feel better sooner

Reason #8. It's natural

Reason #9. We all have something that needs healing

Reason #10. What doesn't kill you makes you …confident!

Reason #11. Improve your relationships

Summary

Chapter 5. The T-R-U-T-H Technique

Self-Criticism: As Effective as It Is Enjoyable

The Antidote: Self-Compassion

Change Your Life from the Inside Out

The T-R-U-T-H Technique

T: Tell yourself the situation

R: Realize what you're feeling

U: Uncover self-criticism

T: Try to understand yourself

H: Have the feeling

Constructive Surrender

Make It Work for You

Tips for Dealing with Sadness, Anger, or Fear

The Secret to Your Success

Summary

Chapter 6. Constructive Wallowing in Action

The Inconsiderate Neighbor

A Disappointing Vacation

A Loved One with a Scary Diagnosis

"I Can't Get Over What Happened"

Midlife Crisis

To Know You Is to Love You

Your Turn

The T-R-U-T-H Technique Worksheet

Part III. Float Like a Butterfly

Chapter 7. The Daunting Dozen: Top Twelve Wallowing Worries

Courage

Worry #1. My feelings might be wrong

Worry #2. I don't want to be negative

Worry #3. It's no use dwelling on the past

Worry #4. If I feel it, I have to do something about it

Worry #5. I'm being self-indulgent

Worry #6. I'm just making myself feel bad

Worry #7. I should be grateful it's not worse

Worry #8. My feelings are draining and/or toxic

Worry #9. I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life

Worry #10. I should try to forgive, not hold on to my anger

Worry #11. I don't want to cry

Worry #12. What if I can't stop the feelings once they start?

Summary

Chapter 8. Your Wallowing Workout: Ten Activities for Heart and Mind

Nature or Nurture?

Activity 1. Feelings History

Table 2. Some Feeling Words

Self-Compassion

Activity 2. Practice Loving Yourself

Activity 3. Letter of Forgiveness to Yourself

Activity 4. Letter of Apology to Yourself

Getting in Touch with Feelings

Activity 5. Relaxation

Belly Breathing

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Activity 6. Art Project

Activity 7. Listen to Your Heart

Trust Your Heart

How to Connect with Your Heart

Daily & Weekly Exercises

Activity 8. Know Yourself

Activity 9. Talk About Feelings

Activity 10. Weekly Feelings Chart

How to Use the Chart

Table 3. Weekly Feelings Chart

The Quiz, Take Two!

Summary

Chapter 9. Wallowing Questions & Answers

1. Is there such a thing as NON-constructive wallowing?

2. What if I can't cry?

3. Should I really wallow in GUILT?

4. What about anxiety? Should I wallow in that?

5. I believe in the Law of Attraction. How can I wallow in negative feelings without attracting negativity?

6. Will wallowing help me feel better about a situation I can't change?

7. What if I always have the same feelings in every relationship I'm in?

8. If feelings are never wrong, why do they sometimes change when we get new information?

9. Why can't I just change my feelings by changing my thoughts?

10. Why do some feelings seem to last so long?

Figure 3. Perceived feeling duration

Figure 4. Actual feeling duration

11. How do I cultivate compassion for myself without feeling phony?

Compassion Heals

Summary

Chapter 10. How to Choose a Therapist

What Feelings-Friendly Therapy Looks Like

Where to Find a Therapist

Questions to Ask before You Begin

1. What's your approach to therapy?

2. What's your approach to dealing with negative feelings?

3. How would you work with me?

Summary

Epilogue: Your Journey Begins

Afterword

Acknowledgments

Notes

Bibliography

About the Author

Index of Terms

Index of Quotations